trying to remember

i have to focus on the negative.

it is in our nature to remember the good things- no one wants to remember the bad. i don't know how this is capable of happening in such a short time but it feels like i am ready to slip and give in to the temptation- to test fate or luck or is it more accurate to call it simply to test my balance in the boat that i did not start to rock. i have stood on the deck for a very long time. i have stood on the floating deck alone and embraced that solitude. and now he rows up to the deck, throws his rope around the post to anchor, and invites me aboard. and even though i am terrified of boats, i still find myself taking a step onto it.

so now i am forcing myself to bring up the horrible memories. forcing myself to dig deep down into the dark layers in my mind- the grimy layers lying underneath the cheerful surface of endorphins. there is sludge this deep down in the sewers of my memory- it is black and sticky- it seeps down from my mind along my spine and wraps itself along my ribs like a witch's fingers in a Disney movie- it settles on my heart and encapsulates it with grime and sorrow. and as the sludge finds its way downward from my mind, the memories come rushing out, eager to escape from the prison cells i have locked them in. things i wasn't even aware i had repressed are coming back into focus and i am actually feeling the shame, guilt, fear, rejection all over again. and it helps me remember why i am who i am and helps give me the confidence to pull my foot out of the boat and back onto the floating dock. yes, it floats with my wavering moments, but in the end, it is a more stable place than the seat next to his with my name on it.

but yet, even after all those dark feelings come abound, i still wonder sometimes...i suppose that is how it will always be...